Dear TV ‘Lost finnaly broke me’

Well you had been a good friend when I was younger providing all the nourishment a child could want, morning cartoons then after school specials, grown up TV when I was home sick. I learn’t a lot from you, how to be cool from the Fonz, how alians from Ork really do have a wacky sense of humour how the war in Korea was fought in the army hospitals of MASH how to get out of sticky situations with only a rubberband and a hair product by Magyver how most other planets with life on them have breathable air like us from star Trek and how midgets are just plain awesome from some show anyway a lot was learnt and a lot of knowledge was passed my way.
So with all of that great history between us it is regrettable that the student must finaly part with his teacher. Some relationships the student will stay for a lifetime but then there are those relationships where quite clearly the teacher has been surpassed or more importantly proven to be the fraud that he quite possibly was all along. Yes my friends TV my friend my mentor and I are parting ways.
Was there a defining moment that brought me to this decision Yes, yes and yes I say to you 25/5/2010 the date that the final episode of ‘Lost’ was aired on Australian television the day that I knew my friend my mentor was nothing more than a fraud, Sunday school had warned me ‘beware of false profits’ but I took no head because hey I didn’t go to Sunday school I watched a program about a bunch of kids who did.
So after following one of the best written shows on TV for all it’s seasons you were given the opportunity to fully realise and end a show properly and what do you do, well in laymans terms you bent every loyal follower of the show over and F’d them in the A. that’s right people my mentor molested me with his stink arse ending. For those not farmiliar with the ending It was as simple as ‘everyone was dead in the end’ you MOTHERFUCKERS, you Paedo’s how could you betray us, all my loyalty I watched you on tele I was so into you I didn’t even download you and this is how you repay me, nay, US. Well I have taken a stand and won’t be letting such a betrayal ever happen again. bye TV, by Tina Fey, by Larry David good bye the cast of Entourage and hardest of all good bye Dex you with the all time greatest season ending ever (Season 4) you will be the hardest to say goodbye to.
Or rev wa that’s French for good bye yes another thing I learnt from you but it is with a tear in the eye I press the power button ‘OFF’.

I lost my wisdom and $450

I felt a bit like Tom hanks today in ‘Joe versus the Volcano’ but there was no volcano unless of course you think like I do and my bursting wisdom tooth was the volcano in question. It erupted early Sunday morning. No reported fatalities unless of course you consider my innocence lost and it also interrupted my wet dream with Meg Ryan and the hot Meg Ryan to, the one before she met Harry and he set her to work as a crack whore to support his film making business. Wait a second, I think I have combined the movie ‘When Harry met Sally’ and ‘Mad about You’ oh and Meg, Helen Hunt could never hold a candle to you even after the whole crack whore thing. I only ever dream of killing Helen Hunt my therapist says that’s totally normal though everyone wants to kill Helen.

So I go to the dentist with my aching mouth, I knew straight away that this story was not going to have a happy ending because as I am waiting to see the dentist a patient that has just had an extraction (an extraction for you folk who don’t speak dentist is the removal of a tooth whether it needs it or not) is passing out, he has turned white and the dentist has been called for to make sure he isn’t going to die. I am not being dramatic people he seriously looked like he was going to top it, he was whiter then a new born goth at a vampire convention. How can I be sure he wasn’t a goth well we all know that goths don’t come out during the day. I don’t know about you but seeing someone passout before you go into the dentist is not exactly a calming.

Two minutes in the chair and two x-rays later and I was given the option of having the wisdom tooth removed now or later. Geez now or later not really the options I was after I was more hoping for take this course of antibiotics and you will be fine. But that peops was not an option. So not wanting to make this a regular date I decided to have it removed right here right now. I was hoping for more of a confirmation of my decision being the correct one instead I got a price list of what was going to happen to me read pretty much like a waiter reads a menu, 3 x-rays $45 each 1 x extraction $500 and finnally 1 x arse fucking totally free oh wait not free.

So the reason my suspicions were raised about my so called dentist and his abilities was as he was digging around in my mouth and chunks of my mouth gunk was flying through the air towards his face I realized he wasn’t wearing any eye protection, man I wear eye protection to lick stamps for the post and this dude is going freeballing man he’s stealing my gunk.

Oh and for your info mr dentist man your tools may have fancy names but they looked and felt like normal hammer and chisels especially the way you were wielding them. I was thinking it would have been cool if the dental nurse actual had a tool belt and maybe a sweet plumbers crack. The only reason these guys are a step up from the trades man is that he was totally on time, wait no that was me.

My main problem with these guys is the whole Doctor thing, they are called Doctors and we all know that unless you have a reality TV show about you then and only then may you be called a Doctor, there is Vet reality shows and Doctor reality shows but never Dentist reality shows.

The only thing that pleased me on leaving the dentist with my pockets lighter and my mouth swollen was that he was a prime candidate for suicide. Man wait, it just occurred to me I have heard that statistic all my life, Dentist have high suicide rates, this is probably a Dentist conspiracy to elicit some sort of compassion from the toothless, I don’t know any dentist who ever committed suicide. How dare you pray on my compassion and kindness.

Douche bags.

A mans gotta eat, but maybe its better if he doesn’t….

Well  normally a night out at the local pub is meant to be a reliable experience, you know what you are going to get, cold beer, bit of atmosphere and maybe if your lucky some old bloke will yell at your better half to expose her better half and affirm your choice you made way back when.

But the Petersham Inn isn’t that experience, even though I had high hopes when I saw the bar staff, she had a beard so straight away that gets 10 points for me on my freak’ O meter , yes I thought this is going to be a great night. So we took a look at the menu, we noticed straight away that the steaks that were $10-12 were now $17-18 hey it’s the GEC I thought they got to survive so maybe they do something a little extra with the $5, maybe more freaks, sweet.

Well we ordered, me the T-bone with chips medium rare, the better half ordered the Scotch fillet steak with the roasted vegies medium.  I order a coke and the missus gets a beer, its cold man there up to 11 points and we haven’t even eaten, we walk away looking for the pool table. Well the pool tables have gone, both tables, well I think it must be to put more food tables in due to demand.

We walk away and find a seat, I take a sip of my Coke, what the, holy crap its Pepsi. Ok no probs I’ll take it back, then preceded to get a lecture on specifying that I wanted a Coke. I would have thought asking for a Coke was specifying, but because the post mix is Pepsi, and I knew it was Pepsi that I had to actually specify that I wanted a Coke. Sorry I said, I just assumed asking for a Coke would get me a Coke not a Pepsi, I apologise for my mistake and I walk away with my tail between my legs after all you never argue with a bearded lady, as they have lived a life of hurt and pain and they know how to argue.

I wanted to have a discussion about this with my better half but she sided with the bearded lady. So I pouted until the food buzzer called luckily it was quick. I went up to the servery and got my meals, the chef then said to me ‘um the steak I think is cooked but if it isn’t just bring it back and I will give it another couple of minutes’. OK I thought, your not really instilling much confidence champ, and the last time I took something back I had nightmares of crap infested chocolate puddings for a week. I brought the two plates of food which in itself was quite impressive as the plates were two times the normal size of plates. Unfortunately the food wasn’t two times the size, mystery solve with the extra $5 bigger serving crockery everything looks better with bigger plates or not.

Brought the plates back and without thinking started tucking in, my better half looked at me with utter dismay. ‘This is not what she ordered’ she said. I looked at her plate. I thought she was just annoyed because the steak looked like a lily pad in a massive pond. But no it was because it was the wrong meal I was informed. Crap I said, I can’t go back to the sasquatch at the bar she already has it in for me. So she went  and was told that is what she ordered. Well you can’t argue with that. I ordered a Coke and got a Pepsi, but that was what I ordered, I ordered a Scotch fillet with roasted vegies and got a sirloin with mash and beans, yeah a little different seeing as how my better half hates mash.  Oh well we ate the meal, and yes mine needed another 2 minutes either side, and no I didn’t take it back.

Service – 2/10

Food – 3/10

Ambiance – Ha

Time I won’t get back 10/10

The Birth of a Douche

Why douche of the day?

Why not.

This is a blog about people who piss me off and get onto my douche of day list.

Just to let you know, no one is sacred and as this post will show I am not even immune to being nominated as douche of the day.

So why am I douche of the day.

Has anyone been to a sperm bank before?

I can here the crowd go wild, yes off course you douche everyone goes to them. That’s how we roll.

Ok fine my bad.

But it was the first time for me.  I decided to get a test on my baby makers, one to see if I actually do have any makers and two to see if my choice of being a shorts wearer as apposed to a brief’s actually paid off. I want to know that when in years to come when I look down at my extremely low swinging sack that I was correct not to have provided support.

Anyway I arrived at the sperm bank and first of all because I was getting test, the first thing they said when they handed me my papper work was that will be $140.

Hey wait, but I am giving you stuff, why should I pay?

Was the first question I thought of. The second was why has this papperwork got four sticky labels on it. Holy crap am I meant to go 4 times, or worse am I meant to fill four containers.

Anyway luckily my better half was there to keep reminder of the task at hand so to speak.

Then they gave me the ticket and told me to go to room 1 and after I finish just ring the buzzer on the sliding window and a scientistt will colect my sample. Man I immediately thought of my days at confession with a priest sitting behind the door listening to me do my biz then I would have to knock on the window to give him my sample bottle of sins.

Say 20 hale mary’s and all will be forgiven. Actually make that 10 becuase you wear boxers.

No luckily this was not to be the case the scientist were clearly sectioned of in the big brain area, and as all good scientist’s should be kept in there own secure room unable to talk with the outside world. Ah good all is right with the world.

Now lets head into the room. Still quite hospital in colour, I think that colour is flourescent white they use for the walls but they had a nice leather chair and large screen TV with numerous magazines to read. Magazines, nice old skool, with the internet and my own extensive collection I haven’t had to use the old skool method for quite some time. My wife was quite taken with them. Oh and the was a fridge with beer and softdrinks, man it was totally like a hotel, I haven’t been to Japan but I imagine that this is the size of a nice room in Tokyo. So the missus had a beer and I got to the big screen, you know how it is men and gadgets I needed to show how much I know about the world by finding the power button on the remote control. I was pleasantly suprised by there selection especially after the instructions on the wall stated we supply a variety of medium level erotica. When the first DVD menu came up with

1. r rated erotica

2. gay porn

3. fetish

4. hardcore

It was lunch time so fetish was out and Hardcore was in. I don’t even have to mention why I didn’t choose erotica do I , if you have the opportunity to see two boobs instead of one the male will always choose the two option, its genetic, it is it really is.

Anyway I started it up, fast forwarded through the blowjob action, boring and then into the good stuff. What I didn’t realise is that my better half had gone to some effort for me, which let me just say I didn’t need the porn. Wow.

Anyway the business was done and I came into a glass jar. It looks so much more when you come on your lady’s back then seeing it in the bottom of a jar. Oh the jar they did say If I needed a bigger jar then call the staff. We were both perplexed by this, bigger jar, is there aim bad, or is there penis massive or is someone going to overflow the jar.

So when I buzzed my scientist to collect my sample I had to ask. What is a normal sample size, 2 – 3 ml depending on a lot of factors.

So that’s why I am douche of the day.

Asking about my sample size, man why are we so competative?

I am still picturing someone overflowing there jar and thinking why oh why didn’t I get the bigger Jar.